October 19, 2009

I Was Only Dreaming

I know some people feel that dream discussion is a waste of time-- like talking about the filing of fingernails. Boring Shmoring. I still can't help myself. I am fascinated by my dreams and the dreams of others. I think there's more to a dream than just tossing out the day's garbage-- whether it's a premonition, ghost visit, or just an emotional barometer. I love to dissect it.

Here's last night's dream: I was in a restaurant. My dad walked in and sat at my table, and he was fit and glowing in a blue button down shirt. I said, "Dad, You're not dead?"

He said, "Nah, I just faked my death so I could get away and get clean, you know."

I was so angry and happy, and I had so many questions, but I couldn't stop crying, and he didn't want to talk about the details. He wanted to joke around and catch up. I cried through the entire dream, cried while he showed me his new iPhone and all of its apps. When I realized that he would finally be able to meet my son for the first time I cried even harder.

Then I woke up and cried through the morning because I was only dreaming. By the time I finished making Buckaroo's breakfast I was exhausted.

I was hoping not to have these dreams. They're almost worse than nightmares because when I wake from a nightmare, it's over, and I'm safe; when I wake from a dream like this I've lost my dad all over again.

I had the "You're Alive?" dream series for 20 years after Nana Pat died (my dad's mom) when I was twelve, and I read that I wouldn't stop having them until I really understood that she wasn't coming back. I finally had one last dream where my subconscious chose to say goodbye to her, and I hadn't had that type of dream since, until last night.

Yesterday morning a Buddhist teacher spoke at the Unitarian church. He talked about how important it is to embrace the unpleasant. Most of us want to push away what's difficult or painful and replace it with what feels good: food, alcohol, toys. When we embrace the hard stuff instead of pushing it away, he said, we learn from it, work through it, and finally find true happiness within ourselves.

As he was speaking I thought, I don't know how to embrace the difficult.

Maybe last night's dream was a sign that I need to figure it out.


Anonymous said...

Good luck with the icky stuff, sweetie pie. It's not so bad once you really get into it. It's all the crap you know about anyway. And it doesn't smell as bad as cafeteria food:) I love you. fmf

Anonymous said...

I don't know if we can really figure out death and losing someone close to us, especially your Dad and Nana. I think we will always grieve over those who impacted us most in our lives. There will days when it doesn't hurt so much and days when it tears us apart. It was only a few years ago that I stopped dreaming about your Dad and he was still with us. It was a loss. Love Mom